Bileyface! Bileyface Presents:
19 reasons "Star Wars Episode III" was a really stupid, pointless movie

After an unfortunate haircut resulted in my near-balding, I was granted a short but poignant week of precognitive powers.

Being unable to conceive of a scenario wherein I would exchange money for the dubious experience of watching the new Star Wars 'prequels' films ('prequel' being Nabooian for 'take the money and run'), I used some of my visions of the future to watch 'Star Wars, Episode III' when it was broadcast on television (a surprisingly short time after its major theatrical release).

Lucas gave a brief press conference (when cornered while stuffing grocery bags full of cash into his private jet) in which he expressed his dissatisfaction with audience reaction, coupled with his desire to manually scrape fond childhood memories from the brain-pans of everyone who is currently between the ages of 18 and 28, using salad tongs.

So, without further nonsensification, here are 19 reasons "Star Wars Episode III" was a really stupid, pointless movie*.
  1. Over-use of anything related to characters that first appeared in enjoyable science fiction movies over two decades ago, so we give a damn about them by default (or 'OUOARTCTFAIESFMOTDASWGADATBD')

  2. Special Effects: using computational power to supplant the need for creativity, thereby stimulating only the brain's vision centers and leaving the rest of the thing to moulder like a vole-filled cantaloupe (or, 'how I learned to stop worrying about plot and love the cinematic bomb').

  3. That scene where they use the force to do something because it looks cool, even though it makes no sense and is completely inconsistent with its portrayal in all the other movies.

  4. As #3, but applied to that one robot.

  5. As #4, but for that other alien species.

  6. That other extended scene that looks just like it came from a video game, so the game programmers didn't have to think too hard about how to convert part of the movie into a completely forgettable quick buck tie-in, because toy sales aren't as lucrative as they used to be but people will buy console games that provide only about 20 minutes of distraction.

  7. The two or three exciting scenes that have become dull because we've already seen the gist of them in previews and in KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell syndicate outposts for the past half-year.

  8. The highly-advertised "some character we've seen before dies!" scene, as seen in 'Next Time' previews for failing television programs for years.

  9. Blatant disregard for the aging process in favor of including characters from the original 3 movies (like #1, but more focused on the characters themselves showing up despite the flow of time).

  10. Any example of apparent thought being spent on how old characters would be at the time of this movie, when juxtaposed with the character requiring complete and total amnesia to explain their actions and interactions in the original 3 movies.

  11. Those times when they take interesting or mysterious parts of the original 3 movies and give them a cheap, pat and completely unsatisfying explanation.

  12. How they don't tie everything up very well at all, even though it is supposed to be the final juncture between the 'prequels' and the original 3 movies.

  13. The state of self-hypnosis indulged in by 'die-hard' Star Wars aficionados determined to enjoy themselves at any cost; similar to the rationalization that causes gamblers to believe that they're enjoying the constant loss of money that their vice invariably causes.

  14. The dizzy, burning feeling you get in the back of your throat when you consider the resources that went into the creation of this completely forgettable movie, as compared to any number of other completely forgettable movies that do just as mediocre a job but never have the hopes of leveraging monies equal to the GNP of Uruguay because their creators didn't do something cool when they were young.

  15. The fact that people have nothing better to do than go see said mediocre films, and (while I'm at it), let's throw the last 3+ seasons of The Simpsons in to this one, too.

  16. The upsurge of support that Episode III receives in the media and from various 'independent street-credit possessing' shill features before its theatrical release...

  17. Followed by the instant bandwagoning of mockery from the same organizations that told you to go see it the day before.

  18. The hours of television that could be filled with 'Who's the Boss?' reruns that is instead dedicated to interviews, discussion and 'Making Of...' features about Episode III.

  19. Four Words: Coming soon--Episode 7

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* = keep in mind that this was the broadcast television version of this movie, and it may differ from the theatrical cut. back up