th' mighty Lefty Seal of Approval! Lefty's B-Movie Reviews

Ranked from Zero through Ten stars...
Zero = Not even 'So-bad-it's funny'
Five = Unintentionally hilarious
Ten = You could watch it like it was REAL MOVIE!

Movies I've Reviewed:
Teenagers from
Outer Space		 The Deadly Mantis Killers from Space Night of the
Lepus		 Carnival of
Souls
The Indestructible
Man		 Warlords of the
21st Century		 Crash of the
Moons		 Journey to the
Center of Time		 Reptilicus
Giant Gila
Monster		 Day of the
Triffids		 Valley of
the Gwangi		 Kronos IT! the Terror
from Beyond Space
Radioactive
Dreams		 FROGS! Son of
the Blob		 The Wizard
of Mars		 Half
Human
Eegah Tarantula The Unearthly Killer Bats King of
Kong Island
Devil Girl
from Mars		 YOR; The Hunter
from the Future

Other Features:

  • Wanna-B   Movies that LOOK like they might be B or entertaining...but aren't. DON'T BE FOOLED, read the list!


    The Indestructible Man

    God this one isn't the best...it's about a very unshaven Lon Chaney Jr. who is put to death in the electric chair for being a killer, bank-robber and ugliest-man-on-earth runner-up named "The Butcher". The body is sold to medical research, & they bring him back to life, after which his cells are 'bonded' or something to that effect, so he is indestructible as well as having horrible personal hygiene. As an added bonus, he can't speak, so he conveys his emotions by numerous up-close-&-overly-personal closeups on his grimy face. He goes & kills his mobster-squealer ex-friends, one of whom is named "Squeemy." The protagonist, a police guy, picks up "The Butcher's" ex-girlfriend & is being exceptionally sexist to her while all that is going on, but eventually they kill the butcher in the sewer, the police guy strongarms the girlfriend into marrying him, & they eat hamburgers. Credits roll, but Lon Chaney Jr's horrid, 5-o'clock-shadowed face will linger in my brain forever.
    REDEEMING FEATURES:
  • The police guy who proposes by getting the object of their affections fired, & telling her it's "cuz I figured you'd be busy being my wife." It's nice to know that male screenwriters really do have no idea what women think; this means they probably won't breed...
  • Scenes in which we DO NOT see Mr. Chaney Jr's stubbly, frightening mug.

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    Warlords of the 21st Century
    (no stars)
    This one is a pretty horrible "Mad Max 2"-esque ripoff from New Zeland (I believe). It stars a Rebel Without a Shave who zips around on a motorcycle with gasoline he "makes out of chickensh*t." He saves a quiet/broody girl who runs away from a dark, militaristic future Warlord (presumably the justification for the title) & his "indestructible battletruck." The warlord has just killed some people who had a big supply of gasoline, yadda yadda yadda. It's not terribly amusing, not terribly good, relatively terrible. Again, one of the cast members forms some sort of a redeeming feature. I bought this one for about $6 at a video store; my advice to others who find themselves in that position: save your money.
    REDEEMING FEATURES:
  • Cast includes John "Cliff the Mailman" Ratzenburger! He doesn't save it...BUT as a worthwhile note, this self-same guest star also appears in "THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK"! Its true, look it up. I think he's a rebel officer on Hoth, but I could be wrong...
  • Hmm...well, if you want moto-cross footage..
  • I forgot the best thing about the whole film! In the end, when the hero is about to ride off into the sunset on a horse, as he talks to the heroine, you hear noises that can only be explained by the horse, erm, relieving himself! Its a smart & savvy commentary on the quality of the film.

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    Crash of the Moons

    (Note, picture on box does not appear in this movie; must be from some other Rocky Jones film)
    This is one of the "Rocky Jones, Space Ranger" adventures (to use the term loosely). It deals with 2 'gypsy' moons that are going to crash into eachother. One of them is populated by good-natured, large people with slavic accents and lightning bolt insignias. The other planet is O'fecious (phonetic spelling) ruled by the archetypical Evil Despot Queen Woman. When she finds out her planet is to be destroyed, she decides to blow up the other planet with 'tortanic missiles' (pronounced like a combination of the word "Tortoise" & the word "Titanic" [forgive me, I had to include that word in my page, now all the search engines will hit us..]). Rocky Jones & his sidekick "Winky" (no comment) have to straighten things out. They get little or no help from their cardboard allies, Bobby (an 8-year-old genius, presumably cloned from the Beaver Cleaver DNA left over on Wally's bat), Professor Newton (a befuddled, bespectacled geezer who forgets the most elementary things about science, prompting my friends and I to decide he actually majored in Art History), Vena (the mandatory eyecandy girl, who presumably has a thing for Rocky, but as she's about Bobby's height, we don't think about that much) & some plump official with the Space Rangers, whose most notable role is 'obstacle.' This one is a lot of fun (& very easy) to mock, with scenes where Winky shows he's incapable of feigning unconsciousness & other greats (see below).
    REDEEMING FEATURES:
  • Dialog from gung-ho up-&-coming O'fecian officer: "But I'm ambitious...& I love O'fecious." I usually continue this with a line like "I'm magically delicious," "Pass me those knishes," or "I vaguely resemble Syd Vicious." Insert your own rhyme! It's fun!
  • Endless scenes of Rocky's rocket taking off & landing, seemingly in slow motion.
  • Humorous combat sequences, where Rocky & Winky beat up people, all of whom seem to be pushing 50...
  • Those giant eggplants they talk into, that we are supposed to believe are "communicators." I'm not fooled.

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    Journey to the Center of Time

    This one is another mediocre black-&-white science fiction flick. Here, they have a science building that was built to travel through time. Unfortunately, the monetary backer doesn't see the potential for profit from this venture (due to stupid script writing), so they have to demonstrate it for him, before it is ready!. Of course, veterans of these films will know that this is the reason for 95% of all scientific malfunctions, & of course something goes wrong. There's some nice time traveling-poetic justice, a not-so-happy ending (which is rare in all films), & people from the distant future in sequined jumpsuits, but this one is pretty dull. I actually fell asleep the second time I watched it, though I was pretty tired at the time.
    REDEEMING FEATURES:
  • Sequined jumpsuits on the future woman!
  • Some cute G-forces-from-a-spinnin'-room playacting.
  • Hm...hard to remember anything terribly positive...how exciting is a silly little building that travels through time?

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    Reptilicus

    Another giant monster movie, this time from Denmark    *. Some danish people are drilling, & they hit something that bleeds. Digging it up, they discover it's a big lizard tail, & some scientists put it in a freezer. They hire the Euro-Kramer-lookalike "Peterson" (read 'comic relief') to sweep up the science lab. He actually does nothing wrong, except for puts his hand in a tank with an electric eel. The tail regenerates into a giant snake-like monster, which rampages around the country, eats a cut-out-picture-animated guy, and goes around spitting this green stop-frame acid on people. There's an American general guy, lots of blond, suave looking guys, and a scientist whose very liberal with his daughters (see below). Eventually, they shoot it in the face with a bazooka loaded with a giant hypodermic of some drug or another.
    * = I mistakenly reported this was from Holland, & was rightly corrected by Turkey. Thanks! (Back to Review)
    REDEEMING FEATURES:
  • Scene: Scientist's 2 daughters walk out on the arm of the American; Scientist says: "Boy, he'll sure have his hands full now!"
  • Nutty scene where the gangly Peterson looks at his sandwich through a microscope, sees little monocellular life forms, & goes 'urp.'
  • Confusing sequence where the American is supposedly driving around Denmark in a car, when it's just a voiced-over tourism film...

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