King Dwain's Wandering Kinghts: Bard's Tales
Sir Frank the Brave Assistants
Sebastian the Squire
Support Staff
Linda the Apothecary
Donna the Guide
Coidzinius the Bard
Might:average
Skill:good
Cunning:good
Bravery:bold
Unknown Knight
Entire Journey
DAYSMAP
    Satyrday, Febuar 11th:
While Sir Frank the Brave travels in South-East Mogbig, he meets a tall merchant in a town. She tells Sir Frank the story that a deplorable danger stalks the unwary near the mountains of West Mogbig, 15 days ride away.

Sir Frank the Brave binds himself to overthrow this ruinous miscreant.

He's so brave he just fights with a stick with his standard emblazoned on its banner. Seriously, that's crazy stupid fresh of him.

What kind of name is Sebastian anyway? Couldn't he at least make the alliteration make sense to people, like Shawn the Squire or something.

Linda and Donna seem like really good friends, Sebastian said they were raised in the same orphanage at this one nunnery. I didn't know girls that were friends liked holding hands so much though. Silly girls.
mountains farm mountains
mountains town mountains
    Sonday, Febuar 12th to Wedday, Febuar 15th:
Sir Frank the Brave ventures to the north-west confidently through the mountains of South-East Mogbig.

He really is a knight! I charted our travel on a map and we moved in an L-shape, just like in Chess!

Sebastian fell off his horse, from Laughing at that and rolled around on the rocks and got a blister.

Curiously, Linda wouldn't give him any moleskin for it, she just kinda glared at him for asking and "hmmph!"ed.
plain plain mountains mountains town
woods mountains plain mountains farm
farm mountains mountains mountains town
    Thorsday, Febuar 16th:
Rambling west, Sir Frank the Brave meets a rude hermit in a woods in South Mogbig.

Donna the Guide talks shop with her. The hermit complains about being a hermit.


Apparently the hermit was the ex-head nun of the nunnery orphanage where Linda and Donna grew up. I didn't learn this until the morning after we met her because she told the three of us guys to "Go Choke On The Pork Of Satan and Die." Not even Frank was brave enough to press the matter after that.

After she so rudely insulted Sir Frank for greeting her, she invited Donna and Linda in to have tea with her. I snuck over to the window and listened in and heard a lot of giggling and a strange sort of moaning laughter I'd never heard before. 'Twas curious.

I got bored when it looked like they were staying the night and went to make some haggis with the hermit's sheep.
woods plain plain
woods woods mountains
woods farm mountains
    Friarday, Febuar 17th:
Sir Frank the Brave moves to the north without incident through a plain in South Mogbig

Linda and Donna just gave each other knowing looks and laughed when we asked how their visit went.

Frank gave an exasperated look, but even his great bravery wasn't enough to press the issue after the first hour of trying to wheedle something out of them.
woods woods farm
woods plain plain
woods woods mountains
    Satyrday, Febuar 18th:
Traveling north, Sir Frank meets a bear in a woods in South Mogbig.

The bear's might overwhelms Sir Frank...yet Sir Frank's skill is superior to the bear's nimbleness, also Sir Frank's craftiness outdoes the bear. Sir Frank the Brave has slain the bear!

Finally some action! Sir Frank totally dispelled any doubts I had about his bravery when he cried out "BURRRIIIITOOOOO!" and charged the bear. He isn't as strong as he is brave, but at least he has the skillz to back up using only a stick.

Sebastian tried covering Sir Frank with some marksmanship, but the bear didn't even notice he was being arrow'd because Sir Frank was dim-dazzling it too badly.

He totally got the beast to trip over a log and impale itself on a broken limb.
woods woods mountains
woods woods farm
woods plain plain
    Sonday, Febuar 19th:
Sir Frank the Brave travels to the west peacefully through a woods in South Mogbig

Nothing much happened here, Sebastian tried to tame a hedgehog.

Linda and Donna went out "looking for herbs," and weren't back to camp until well after dark...
swamp woods woods
woods woods woods
farm woods plain
    Moonsday, Febuar 20th:
Rambling west, Sir Frank comes upon a boar in a woods in South Mogbig.

Sir Frank quickly overwhelms the boar. Sir Frank the Brave has decapitated the boar!

Whoa, Sir Frank just totally owned that boar, he decapitated it with a blunt stick! That's some Fist of the North Star **** right there!

Sebastian got an arrow stuck in its nose, cuz it attacked him while he was out "looking to pwn" some squirrels and maybe "level up." He then exclaimed "Loll!" and killed a rat that had gotten into Linda's "herbs." I think the rat was mostly dead already though, because it didn't really bleed any when Sebastian shot it.
woods swamp woods
woods woods woods
woods farm woods
    Twosday, Febuar 21st:
Going west, Sir Frank comes upon a bear in a woods in South Mogbig.

Sir Frank the Brave combats the bear to a stalemate...next Sir Frank's agility overcomes the bear's skill, yet the bear's resourcefulness is superior to Sir Frank, also the bear's strength outdoes Sir Frank. Sir Frank the Brave has been wounded by the bear!
In the melee, Sebastian the Squire is injured!


Whoa, Sir Frank was countering and blocking and dodging everything the bear threw at him! That bear couldn't lay a claw on him. But... he made the mistake of getting the bear PO'D by bowing to it in a mock-serious way and the bear took advantage of that bow to haul off and ____ smack Sir Frank into a tree.

Sebastian got his middle finger of his bow-arm bit off by the bear for shooting at him.

Pretty smart bear, pretty dumb party. Fortunately when it went snuffling for the rest of us, some of Linda's herbs were inbetween us and it ate the herbs up like it was a cat to catnip and lay off and fell stone dead or asleep, I didn't check.
woods woods swamp
woods woods woods
farm woods farm
    Wedday, Febuar 22nd:
Sir Frank the Brave fully recovers!

Well, it seems Sir Frank's bravery works against being ____ slapped into trees and the resulting chance of infection.

Linda's been mixing up a lot of purple and green stuff lately, and that herb that got rid of the bear has been figuring prominently in her concoctions.
woods woods swamp
woods woods woods
farm woods farm
    Thorsday, Febuar 23rd:
Sir Frank the Brave journeys to the north without incident through a woods in South Mogbig

Some flies that were attracted to Sebastian's bloodied-bandages died when they flew around where Linda was brewing some "healing poultices."

I wonder where Sir Frank picked up these two broads, Donna seems to do all the talking for the two of them.
plain woods plain
woods woods swamp
woods woods woods
    Friarday, Febuar 24th:
Venturing north, Sir Frank the Brave meets a poorly dressed hermit in a woods in Central Mogbig.

Donna the Guide talks to him. The hermit gossips with Donna.

Sebastian the Squire dies of his injuries!


That hermit was wearing most curious trousers of the sort with no seat except for a thin strip of leather extending to the beltline from the nether regions. It was most disturbing.

Donna talked some shop with him about "the business" and the "GLSEN" and some strange cult they both belonged to called the "GLBTQ^2."

The hermit was interested in speaking with Sebastian after listening to some of his strange modes of speach, so he "bought a night" with him from Donna. Which I find silly as he could just have put some pants on and asked Sebastian about where he learned to talk like that.

Apparently Sebastian's hand-wound turned septic even after Linda treated it and he died that night. Raised quite a shriek up in the hermit's hut. He will be lamented.
woods woods farm
plain woods plain
woods woods swamp
    Satyrday, Febuar 25th:
Traveling west, Sir Frank comes upon a bandit in a plain in Central Mogbig.

Sir Frank's strength is equal to the bandit's vigor, but Sir Frank's experience overwhelms the bandit; and Sir Frank's swiftness outdoes the bandit. Sir Frank the Brave has slain the bandit!

We buried Sebastian once we got to the plains and I led a funeral dirge which I composed for Sebastian which composed mostly of his strange quotes until we were most rudely interrupted.

Some bandit saw Donna and called her a nasty name, after some sort of levee... Hmm... Dam? No... Gullen? No... Shazam? Nah, that's not even a word... I think it sounded Dutch Fornonian... Maybe... "Dyke"? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Anyway, Donna said some weird word and Sir Frank's eyes glowed red and he went and ninja'd the bandit. He didn't say another word for 4 hours.

I fear for my life amongst these most queer happenings that simply reek of the arcane. I knew I should've paid more attention to the Magicka chapters in Bardic Training...
mountains woods woods
farm plain woods
woods woods woods
    Sonday, Febuar 26th:
Traveling west, Sir Frank the Brave encounters a skin-and-bones merchant in a farm in West Mogbig.

Linda the Apothecary shows off in front of him. The merchant yawns.


Donna put some stuff in the merchant's provisions after he was unimpressed by Linda's potion-making abilities and the "Potion of Vigora" turned out to be a "Potion of Elemental Balls: Blue Edition."

I fear he will be soon lose the skin to his bones...
mountains mountains woods
mountains farm plain
woods woods woods
    Moonsday, Febuar 27th:
Sir Frank the Brave reaches the mountains of West Mogbig and finds a ruinous ogre.

The ogre is unimpressed by Sir Frank. Sir Frank the Brave has been slain by the ogre!
R.I.P. Sir Frank the Brave

In the melee, Donna the Guide is injured, and Linda the Apothecary is injured!


After 1 day, Donna the Guide feels better and Linda the Apothecary feels better.

The Ogre said something about some "Damn Dirty Robot-Golems!" and proceeded to peel open Sir Frank like a can-opener to a can of cat-food. He peeled a bit too much and not only did he get rid of Sir Frank's armor, but he reduced Sir Frank into a bunch of red, silver, white, and brown tubes and wires.

Alas Poor Frank, I knew but his fighting well!

Donna and Linda were carried off by the Ogre, who apparently didn't think I was worth eating. All I got was kicked up into a tree. I thought I'd seen the last of 'em and they were ogre-chow as I buried what I could of Sir Frank and stole our horses back from the Ogre's pen and rode hell's bells for the nearest town.

Somehow they escaped and have tracked me down, they're in the inn downstairs and I just know they're after my life. We bards have 6th senses about these things. So I'm ditching the gold and hoping they'll be appeased by that and all the other horses save the fastest.

New Locksland, here I come!
mountains mountains mountains
mountains mountains farm
woods woods woods

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