King Dwain's Wandering Kinghts: Bard's Tales
Sir Samuel the Unwavering Assistants
Bogart the Squire
Support Staff
Baker the Friar
Nook the Cook
Reader the Writer the Bard
Might:good
Skill:good
Cunning:average
Bravery:bold
Unknown Knight
Entire Journey
DAYSMAP
    Friarday, Decre 4th:
While Sir Samuel the Unwavering travels in North-East Colmah-Lyholok, he meets an average height villager in a town. She tells Sir Samuel about suspicions that a fell peril kills travelers about the woods of North-West Colmah-Lyholok, 16 days ride away.

Sir Samuel the Unwavering pledges to do away with this looming wretch.

The Unwavering Sam decides, as his self-proclaimed mission to remodify all of God's mediocre creations, to make not-so-average this tragically banal villager. With a swipe of his sword, he makes a disection in the average, creating two below-average versions of what once was. His colleages inform him of many other economical ways he could have went about perfroming his sworn duty, but alas, Sam is too headstrong to heed their advice, and so another one bites the dust.
town woods woods
woods town plain
woods woods woods
    Satyrday, Decre 5th:
Traveling north, Sir Samuel the Unwavering confronts a handsome woodsman in a woods in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.

Bogart the Squire introduces himself to him. The woodsman shakes hands with Bogart.


Sam is disappointed at the prospect of meeting an above-average character when he so desperately wants more justice to be performed in his name. Luckily for Sam, the gift of lack of impulse control has been bestowed upon him by God so as to assist him in delivering sweet justice - even to those Sam deems it unnecessary - and the notion struck him to severe the perfect hand of the traveler so as to preserve it and then eventually sacrifice it at the next temple. Bogart is understandably annoyed by Sam's "Unwavering" and silently vows to kill him. "I'll bide my time," he broods "and when you least expect it, you will taste the juice-soaked tattered rags of my justice!!" They run away while the unfortunate traveler is distracted by the immense pain of his wound.
woods plain woods
town woods woods
woods town plain
    Sonday, Decre 6th:
Going north, Sir Samuel the Unwavering comes upon a big merchant in a plain in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.

Baker the Friar introduces himself to him. The merchant shakes hands with Baker.


Sam sees one of those huge-ass tops with that thing that you push down at the top to make it spin in the merchants traveling shop, and steals it.
woods woods woods
woods plain woods
town woods woods
    Moonsday, Decre 7th:
Rambling west, Sir Samuel confronts a lion in a woods in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.

The lion's energy is superior to Sir Samuel...yet Sir Samuel's sagacity overwhelms the lion's wisdom; furthermore Sir Samuel's dexterity outdoes the lion. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has slain the lion!
In the melee, Bogart the Squire is injured!


"Suck it up, you ____!!" Samual scolds as Bogart staggers from his dripping gut wound.
Bogart takes the large top - which is coincidently the same dimenision as his wound - and plugs the gaping hole so as to stop the bleeding.
town woods woods
woods woods plain
woods town woods
    Twosday, Decre 8th:
Trekking west, Sir Samuel comes upon a bear in a woods in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.

Sir Samuel's cunning overcomes the bear; yet the bear's grace overwhelms Sir Samuel...and the bear's might is superior to Sir Samuel's might. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has been wounded by the bear!
In the melee, Baker the Friar is injured, and Nook the Cook is injured!


After the battle the troupe takes a rest to collect their thoughts and reflect upon this battle. They all agree that recieving slash wounds from a bear is not a good strategy and resolve to overcome this handicap of theirs for being succeptable to razor-sharp things. After a jolly-old coughing-up of the blood they're back on the trail.
woods town woods
woods woods woods
woods woods town
    Wedday, Decre 9th to Thorsday, Decre 10th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering rests in a woods in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.
Bogart the Squire dies of his injuries!
Nook the Cook feels better!
Baker the Friar feels better!


Everyone healed up nicely using medically-proven methods of treating wounds, except for Bogart who accidentily tripped and fell on his stomach, thus pushing down the lever on the top and making it spin which really ____ED UP his insides to the point of unreckoning. Sam reclaims his top.
woods town woods
woods woods woods
woods woods town
    Friarday, Decre 11th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering fully recovers!

Sam spins the top. He is so full of glee that he is magically revitalized!
woods town woods
woods woods woods
woods woods town
    Satyrday, Decre 12th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering rambles to the north quickly through a town in North-East Colmah-Lyholok

Baker and Nook secretly contemplate the murder of Sam, while Sam contemplates the aptitude of Top's in the medium of killing.
farm woods woods
woods town woods
woods woods woods
    Sonday, Decre 13th:
Rambling north, Sir Samuel confronts a wolf in a woods in North-East Colmah-Lyholok.

Sir Samuel the Unwavering fights the wolf to a stalemate--after this, Sir Samuel easily dispatches the wolf. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has decapitated the wolf!
In the melee, Baker the Friar is injured!


The top's regenerative powers have no effect on Baker's gaping leg wound. Sam denounces Baker's wound as merely a scratch. They press on.
farm woods woods
woods town woods
    Moonsday, Decre 14th:
Going west, Sir Samuel meets a brigand in a farm in North Colmah-Lyholok.

The brigand's energy is equal to Sir Samuel, but Sir Samuel's quickness is too great for the brigand, and Sir Samuel's sagacity is superior to the brigand. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has slain the brigand!

Sam used his seldomly utilized technique of somersaulting the enemy to death. Nook cooks the slain foe for that evening's supper.
woods farm woods
woods woods town
    Twosday, Decre 15th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering travels to the west confidently through a woods in North Colmah-Lyholok

Sam annoys his crew to near-maximum-hostility with his revolving recitation of the entire synopsis of every Chevy Chase show.
farm woods farm
woods woods woods
    Wedday, Decre 16th:
Rambling west, Sir Samuel the Unwavering encounters a sturdy peasant in a farm in North Colmah-Lyholok.

Nook the Cook talks to him. The peasant chats with Nook for a while.


Sam gets so sick of Nook's damn friendliness that he resolves to dispatch him from the world in the near future. Nook senses trouble and takes mental precautions.
woods farm woods
woods woods woods
    Thorsday, Decre 17th:
Traveling west, Sir Samuel confronts a wolf in a woods in North Colmah-Lyholok.

The wolf's artifice is countered by Sir Samuel--but Sir Samuel's speed overcomes the wolf, and Sir Samuel's toughness overwhelms the wolf. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has slain the wolf!
Baker the Friar feels better!


Baker only got better cuz the gangrenous leg was finally severed. Now he will never fullfil his dream of becoming a professional Chip' N' Dales dancer, and he blames Sam's neglectful attitude. The anger surmounts and he decides to exact revenge as soon as he gets the chance.
woods woods farm
woods woods woods
    Friarday, Decre 18th to Satyrday, Decre 19th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering rambles to the west eventlessly, from a woods in North Colmah-Lyholok to a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok.

Nook wants to kill Sam. Baker wants to kill Sam. They each loom over him until they discover eachother as they loom and realize their motives are the same and argue over WHO gets to exact revenge. Sam is distracted by the Top.
woods woods woods woods
woods woods woods woods
    Sonday, Decre 20th:
Rambling west, Sir Samuel meets a wolf in a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok.

Sir Samuel is more than a match for the wolf. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has decapitated the wolf!

La Di Da. Baker and Nook continue bickering as Sam skips along. He has named the top "Dwindly Dorothy" and has dressed it in a cute little red bonnet.
woods woods woods
woods woods woods
    Moonsday, Decre 21st:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering moves to the west without incident through a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok

Yup. No incident here. None at all.
woods woods woods
woods woods woods
    Twosday, Decre 22nd:
Venturing west, Sir Samuel the Unwavering encounters a dishonest-looking peasant in a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok.

Baker the Friar argues with him. The peasant argues back.


Baker and the peasant are arguing about the social importance attributed to the film Gladiator Cop. Baker argues that it is a stunning portrayal of conformity gone mad, as is evident in the overall nonsensical, yet driving plotline in the film. The Peasant argues that it is just a mirroring of the fall of western civilization and the degeneration of taste and the decomposition of art. Sam grows tired of what he does not understand, so he slays the peasant ever so thusly.
"I was winning you *&^(*&%(^()&%*^YT(*)&%*%*(&*^* cock!!!" Baker screams in fury.
Sam just loudly and discriminately responds by belching in his face.
woods woods woods
plain woods woods
    Wedday, Decre 23rd:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering reaches the woods of North-West Colmah-Lyholok and finds a noxious ogre.

Sir Samuel's might overcomes the ogre's strength--yet the ogre's craftiness is superior to Sir Samuel, and the ogre's dexterity outdoes Sir Samuel's quickness. Sir Samuel the Unwavering has been grievously wounded by the ogre!
In the melee, Baker the Friar is injured, and Nook the Cook is injured!


The crew blames Sam for all their injuries. The glorious part of it all being Sam can barely contest through all the blood stopped up in his throught. Baker and Nook spew blood and other excretion onto the immobile Sam.
woods woods
plain woods
    Thorsday, Decre 24th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering rests in a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok.

After the crew stops secreting ____e on him and leave him for death, he begins a tireless regiment of spinning Dwindly Dorothy.
woods woods
plain woods
    Friarday, Decre 25th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering begins to recover from his wounds.

Dorothy begins to work her magic.
woods woods
plain woods
    Satyrday, Decre 26th to Sonday, Decre 27th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering rests in a woods in North-West Colmah-Lyholok.

Still spinning.. and spinning...
woods woods
plain woods
    Moonsday, Decre 28th:
Sir Samuel the Unwavering fully recovers!
Nook the Cook feels better!


After 3 days, Baker the Friar dies of his injuries.

...and so, Baker perishes, never to fulfill any of his dreams - not even to exact his revenge. Oh, what tragedy. The greatest misfortune has been the futility of the entire expidition. Sam retires from adventuring to settle down and have a family with Dorothy. Years later, Nook kills him and spins his lady vindictively and only to express hate. Hate one can only garner from being in the company of very annoying men. This is the society you've created!!

Bard's Note: Sorry it sucked guys.
woods woods
plain woods

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