King Dwain's Wandering Kinghts: Bard's Tales
Sir Edward the Valiant Assistants
Nathan the Squire
Minnie the Juggler
Support Staff
Jane Fonda the Apothecary
Eldairn the Bard
Might:average
Skill:good
Cunning:good
Bravery:guarded
Unknown Knight
Entire Journey
DAYSMAP
    Friarday, Augen 12th:
While Sir Edward the Valiant travels in North-West Oraklinshire, he meets a refined Lord in a castle. He tells Sir Edward that there are whispers a noxious peril lives near the woods of South Oraklinshire, 15 days ride away.

Sir Edward the Valiant swears to slay this noxious villain.

So I finally get to meet this Sir Edward the Valiant that the barding comission assigned me to. From what I have heard, he is guarded in his bravery, which means he holds back. What is with that? I mean, wouldn't a valiant warrior charge into battle? God, what a probation this is gonna be. For the last time, I didn't know she was under 18!
mountains mountains woods
mountains castle mountains
woods woods swamp
    Satyrday, Augen 13th:
Traveling east, Sir Edward encounters a bandit in a mountains in North-West Oraklinshire.

The bandit's wiliness overwhelms Sir Edward, but Sir Edward's hardiness overcomes the bandit, and Sir Edward's quickness is superior to the bandit. Sir Edward the Valiant has defeated the bandit!
In the melee, Jane Fonda the Apothecary is injured!


Oh my GHOD! A bandit. I'm sooooooo scared. Good thing the almighty and superior Sir Edward was there to save us from the wily bandit with his hardy quickness. Man I hate this cocky jerk.

Oh yeah. Jane Fonda, our Apothecary got in the way and got injured. HAHA!!!!!
mountains woods mountains
castle mountains mountains
woods swamp woods
    Sonday, Augen 14th:
Sir Edward the Valiant voyages to the south confidently through a swamp in West Oraklinshire
Jane Fonda the Apothecary dies of her injuries!


Oh joy. A swamp. How fetid. The stink of this place seems more noxious than the supposed "peril" we're questing to defeat.

On a related note, Jane Fonda died today. (YAY!!!!!!!!!) That's what happens when you drag a heavily wounded person through a swamp. Not that I can't say that good ol' Hanoi Jane don't deserve it. Yet another HAHA!!!!!
castle mountains mountains
woods swamp woods
town woods woods
    Moonsday, Augen 15th:
Going south, Sir Edward encounters a bear in a woods in West Oraklinshire.

The bear's cunning outdoes Sir Edward's cunning; in contrast Sir Edward's vigor is superior to the bear, and Sir Edward's grace overwhelms the bear. Sir Edward the Valiant has defeated the bear!
In the melee, Nathan the Squire is injured!


What?!?!?!?! How can you have a cunning bear?!?!?!?! Of course, again darned old Sir Edward used his grace to outgrace the bear. Wait. What am I saying! Grace my fat sexy arse!!!!! At least we got to see Nathan get wailed all over by that bear. You can't get that on Payperview!!!!!
woods swamp woods
town woods woods
woods woods woods
    Twosday, Augen 16th:
Traveling east, Sir Edward encounters a wolf in a woods in West Oraklinshire.

The wolf's artifice outdoes Sir Edward, however Sir Edward's force overcomes the wolf; and Sir Edward's nimbleness is too great for the wolf's swiftness. Sir Edward the Valiant has slain the wolf!
In the melee, Minnie the Juggler is injured!

Nathan the Squire feels better!


The only reason the valient one was able to beat that wolf was because Minnie tired it all out. A wolf can only sustain so much oral pleasure before sucumbing. That's how she got injured. Do you know how hard wolf a wolf cums? Anyway, after that all Edward had to do was swing his sword around a bit (he got it stuck in a tree once. idiot.) and WHAM the wolf got it. At least it died happy.
swamp woods farm
woods woods woods
woods woods swamp
    Wedday, Augen 17th:
Sir Edward the Valiant treks to the east without incident through a woods in West Oraklinshire
Minnie the Juggler feels better!


OOH. More treking. What fun. I only wish I could have a few incidents with Minnie the Promiscous Juggler. [wink wink, nudge nudge] Now that she is better, I'm sure she'd like to juggle more than just torches and chainsaws. ;)
woods farm plain
woods woods plain
woods swamp plain
    Thorsday, Augen 18th:
Journeying south, Sir Edward confronts a snake in a swamp in West Oraklinshire.

The snake's vigor is too great for Sir Edward; in contrast Sir Edward's skill is superior to the snake's agility, and Sir Edward's resourcefulness outdoes the snake. Sir Edward the Valiant has defeated the snake!

It seems that the "O Valiant One" is just looking for a fight. Just this morning I saw him in a bush. At first I thought he was having a little fun with Minnie. But it turns out that he was fighting with a snake. And for a while he was losing. Man this sux.
woods woods plain
woods swamp plain
woods town plain
    Friarday, Augen 19th:
Venturing east, Sir Edward the Valiant meets a flaxen-haired peasant in a plain in Central Oraklinshire.

Minnie the Juggler argues with him. The peasant makes a rude gesture towards Minnie.


We met this horny peasant guy. He and Minnie had an arguement. I think he was trying to negotiate a price with her, if you know what I mean. Afterwards he gave us all the Bronx salute. I'm suprised that el valiento didn't outgrace him or anything. How useless.
woods plain plain
swamp plain plain
town plain plain
    Satyrday, Augen 20th:
Sir Edward the Valiant ventures to the south without incident through a plain in Central Oraklinshire

All we do is friggin' journeying. It sux. I made up a song to pass the time. I call it "la la". Want to hear it? OK. Here goes: "la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la, la la la". Do you like it? Thought so. I know I do.
swamp plain plain
town plain plain
woods plain plain
    Sonday, Augen 21st:
Riding east, Sir Edward runs into a thug in a plain in Central Oraklinshire.

Sir Edward easily dispatches the thug. Sir Edward the Valiant has slain the thug!

Yummy. Thug. They taste great after a long ventureing. Best when cooled slowly over fire. Minnie wanted a bit of thug sausage, which didn't suprise me. I only wish she had an appetite for bard.....
plain plain plain
plain plain plain
plain plain plain
    Moonsday, Augen 22nd to Wedday, Augen 24th:
Sir Edward the Valiant journeys to the south quickly, from a plain in Central Oraklinshire to a woods in South Oraklinshire.

GAH!!!!! We journey again. This is getting old. Very old. At least this time we're entering some woods. There promises to be some cool creatures in these woods, and hopefully one of them will kill Sir Edward. That would just make my day.
plain plain plain
plain plain plain
plain plain plain
woods woods woods
woods woods farm
    Thorsday, Augen 25th:
Moving south, Sir Edward runs into a boar in a woods in South Oraklinshire.

Sir Edward proves far superior to the boar. Sir Edward the Valiant has decapitated the boar!

OOH OOH OOH!!!!! A boar! What fun! At first I hoped that it would gore Il Valiento, but I was wrong. He ended up lopping off it's head (boo!!!!!). Oh well. Better luck next time.
woods woods woods
woods woods farm
woods woods woods
    Friarday, Augen 26th:
Sir Edward the Valiant moves to the south without incident through a woods in South Oraklinshire

I WANT BLOOD!!!!! ALL I want is to see something DIE. Preferably Sir Edward, but it doesn't matter. I just wanna see some more action!
woods woods farm
woods woods woods
woods woods woods
    Satyrday, Augen 27th:
Sir Edward the Valiant reaches the woods of South Oraklinshire and finds a hateful bear.

The bear's might outdoes Sir Edward, yet Sir Edward's maneuvering overwhelms the bear, moreover Sir Edward's nimbleness is superior to the bear. Sir Edward the Valiant has defeated the bear!
In the melee, Minnie the Juggler is injured!


After 1 day, Minnie the Juggler feels better.

Finally this accursed quest is over. Maybe now the barding commission will assign me to a real WARRIOR!!!!! It seems that all we had to do was kill a freaking hateful bear. Not that being hateful makes it any more dangerous. It was still a quick battle. Edward overwhelmed the bear with his superior nimbleness. Seems he's been taking some lessons from good ol' Minnie the Prostitute, er, Juggler. She got herself hurt badly showing him the proper method for pleasuring a bear. Which is good for her, as Edward is looking to break into the pimpin' biz and is looking for an experienced hoe. Well, I hope I get a real adventurer this time, in stead of a "valiant" panzy.
woods woods woods
woods woods woods
plain town woods

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