Here I'd like to caution the B-Movie Going (or movie renting, more realistically)
public about Wanna-B B-Movies, that fail at being entertaining in
their badness, try to be too savvy, etc. They are generally unwatchable
& not fun, even to mock. I'll give some brief reviews of these, but
the point is basically to say "Don't watch these, they're just no fun."
These are all movies that would receive NO STARS on my standard review
page...but to make some differentiation between them, I'll rank them according
to their rankness (har).
1 through 5 snores:
1 will only put you into a mild state of shock:
no embarrassing pseudo-naughty scenes, maybe 1 or 2 unintentional
laughs...
5 would be active anger at the money wasted in getting
the video: Horribly Cheezy pseudo sex scenes, bad
bad bad dialogue, feeble attempts at humor & characters, etc.
Movies I've 
ed
through:
Alien Space Avenger
Why This is Not B Fun:
Well, this is about a bunch of aliens that crash in pre-1950s America
(the exact year eludes me, it's a while back & it's out in the country,
so they're not terribly easy to place, periodically...). They possess a
bunch of hell-bent-for-leather (I don't know what that means, I just like
the sound of it) kids, "The Hidden" style (i.e. they slide through their
mouths & control them). Their ship needs to recharge or something,
so they & their new host-bodies go into hibernation in the ship for
a couple of decades. They wake up in the 1990s, & go shooting holes
in people, acting generally bad-ass, & being influenced by their host
personas more than one would think sophisticated aliens would be (re: we've
still got the toughguy leader, his drunkard sidekick, the pansy girl &
the slut that we saw back in the pre-50s or whatever).
Enter a hack comic book writer who has sex with his girlfriend for 10
seconds, until he gets an idea for a new villain for his character to fight
with. & it just goes down-hill from there. Brothels, violent Jack-Nicholsen's-Joker-style-electricution-joy-buzzer reactions to having sex with alien-possessed people (don't think too hard about that, it's just bad), guy drinking the contents of a disposable enema kit, & more squibs than ANY film should have, possibility for a sequel. Stay away. Stay far away.
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Warlords of the 21st Century
Why This is Not B Fun:
Well, you may have read the review of
this on my main B-Movies page...if so, you'll note I spend quite a bit
of time talking about it's guest star, John "Cliff the Mailman" Ratzenburger.
That should tell you something. The real reason this crummy, dull film
& its boring, overly-violent characters doesn't get a lower rating
is the time when the tough, lone wolf, survivor-type protagonist admits
that he makes his fuel "out of chicken-sh*t." What a guy.
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Hell Returns to Frogtown
Why This is Not B Fun:
Ok, this is supposedly the sequel to a movie about these half-human, half-frog creatures that somehow evolved or were created, & fought with humans & lost (i've heard somewhere it exists, but i don't know the title..). They were subsequently banished to Frogtown. Now they're up in arms again, & it's up to some goodguys with jetpacks to foil their plans. If this was not so painfully aware it had the potential to be a cult film, it might have been ok. Unfortunately it violently seeks cult-hood, & fails to be much more than a waste of rental fee.
It contains Lou Farigno (sp?), the fellow who used to play the Incredible Hulk in buff-mode on TV; it seems his only purpose in this film is to relentlessly mock that role. The frogtown evil scientist injects him with this drug that will turn him into a frog, so he spends 90% of the movie writhing around in pain, turning green. There's some career respect...It also contains the obligatory Cheezy Pseudo-Sex scene; a frog-woman, whose been wearing a surgical mask while she's been on camera, so we think they've pulled the Beastmaster trick of making the male-pleasing scantily-clad females wear Horribly Ugly makeup, thus reducing the naughtiness. This is, however, not the case: she takes off the mask & looks human, & begins to make out with a jetpack guy with lines like "Only humans can make me feel so good!" *Gag* The whole thing is a fairly unwatchable, greatly un-B experience I suggest everyone (possibly excluding those who saw the first film, only for completeness' sake) avoid this one like a plague of frogs (the worse the movies, the greater license for horrid puns I feel...defensive mechanism of passing on the pain, I imagine...).
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The Dark Eyes of London (also known as "The Human Monster")
Why This is Not B Fun:
From the get-go, I'd like to say that I'm sorry to have to put a Bela Legosi movie in this category, but I had no choice. They really went over the top with this one, in what was, I guess, seen as making Bela's character EVIL, but it's just pretty sick.
Those of Light Constitution are advised not to read on, & just avoid this film
Mr. Legosi plays a crooked life insurance man. There's also this guy who runs a shelter for the blind. He also has this friendly giant rat-faced guy called Jake, who really has a heart of gold, or at least some quasi-precious rhinestones (the blind people like him ok, cuz they can't see his scream-inducing visage). Jake's problem is that he does whatever Legosi's character asks him, which usually involves killing people once Legosi has shiftily arranged to collect their insurance payments "on the sly." We learn that Legosi is exploiting the blind people, & in the grimmest scene I've seen in a long time, Legosi uses electricity to deafen an already-blind & mute guy, who found a discarded Braille message about a hit Legosi ordered. After a little while, Legosi drowns the blind/deaf/mute guy in a tub. Helen Keller would be rolling over in her grave, & i know this sickness killed any enjoyment I could have gotten out of this movie as a B film. I guess it's all supposed to be Ok when Jake throws Bela out of a 3rd story window into the low-tide mud-ooze, where he dies quicksand-style, but I didn't think it made up for the film :( Hurts your faith in humanity.
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When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth
Why This is Not B Fun:
Well, while this film was not appalling, the best thing I can think to say about it is "It's no Cave Man (starring Ringo Starr)." I don't know about you (basically, I don't know if you've seen Cave Man, starring Ringo Starr), but I think that's a pretty stinging analysis. It stars some woman the box claimed was a "former playmate" for a well-known nudie magazine. After seeing the film, I'm not too surprised: if the Dinosaurs truly ruled the earth at this time, then THEY must have been the ones that made the rule WOMEN WILL WEAR VERY LITTLE CLOTHING, because someone in authority certainly made that decision. Their continued & premeditated scanty coverage is one of the big factors in this not being a real, laughable B film. It's also rather dull, despite the very good (for the time) special effects: the monsters are fast-moving, interactive & thus appropriately threatening (the giant crabs near the end are really cool). Basically, this movie is too skeezy to be a truly "B" experience, & too...boring/generous with skin to be a real film. Watch Cave Man (starring Ringo Starr) if you want a film involving dirty, primitive people who don't speak English (& you know how often you want that); that one's at least funny.
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Warlock: The Armageddon
Why This is Not B Fun:
I mistakenly referred to this film as "Warlock II: The Apocalypse"...evidently, it is really titled Warlock: The Armageddon.
Where to start, where to start? I REALLY didn't like this film. I found myself inserting the phrase "Do not watch Warlock: The Armageddon" into conversations. However, I found that piques interest in the movie, which is counterproductive, so I'll tell you some of the thoroughly unpleasant features this film "boasts:" Violent, spontaneous virgin birth of a demon-child that looks like 20 lbs of chopped liver, eats a small dog & grows human-sized before killing his "mother." Lots Gratuitous vampiric yokel-biting. Maps made out of flesh that peels off people. A hitchhiking woman getting her hair ripped off (in one fell, wig-like swoop). A father blasting his confused son in the stomach with a shotgun (because to be a Druid Warrior, you need to die & come back to life..). A guy getting turned into a 2' tall, swirly-colored Piccasso-esque statue. A woman being found, nailed upsidedown to a cross-like thing. A suave euro-guy with longish blond hair who is the son of the devil. Some druid-y magic stuff. Really really bad. This movie makes you think "Why am I watching this? Aren't movies supposed to be enjoyable? This is not enjoyable." One of my least favorite movies--which is to say, I'm sure there are movies I, personally, would like less, but I am not likely to watch them. Some of my friends were watching this, so I saw it. Don't make the same mistake I did..there's still hope for you!
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